It is a very good question. Why bother indeed with all this self work? It is hard, painful some times it is down right depressing, yet, I still keep on doing it. I'm no masochist, but, I tell you what, I certainly enjoy even less the feeling of being stuck, of being in a rut, feeling like I am missing what life is all about and not really being here.
That is one of the main reasons that I bother, bother to keep on, even when it gets really tough, those days when I cannot see the "wood for the trees", you know, those days where I feel that I'm bouncing of the walls of my mind, putting myself down and beating myself up. So right there in that moment something always happens. Perhaps it is a remembered insight, a recalled scene i witnesed or was a part of. Or, it could be an angel in the guise of a person looking at me, speaking to me, or simply passing by that turns it all around and the negative introspection is burnt away in the light of comprehension, compassion and love.
I surely do not know the why or the wherefores of all of this. I really am starting to understand in mind, body and heart that love is not some hug me, hold me, make me feel good about myself, hollywood happy ever after moment.
Love is the abandonment of all that I hold onto, all that I want from others, all that I want from me.
Love is total and utter surrender.
Love does not hold with half measures, it is truly all or nothing.
Love is devastation.
Understanding this is one thing for me, living it is the hardest thing I have ever undertaken because I fail, and fail again. It is not an easy path for me, many of my corpses litter this those old cast off shells of who I was.
Yet there are moments of truly blistering devastation on this path. Where for a fraction of a breath all is lost and there i am, and, my goodness what a homecoming that is. What a sheer relief that letting go of is. What a moment of silent emptiness that is. What a moment of just light that is.
Then, Boom!, I'm back again, but back with a different energy, back with a different vision of what was going on and, if i'm lucky, why it was going on.
Of course I don't do this all by myself. I have some very close friends who walk with me and support me in often subtle ways, but always without judgement, and then there is the vast army of other helpers out there, the rest of the human race. Some come with agendas, some without, all come as Love, with love, in love. Helping me to let go, to strip away the facades I have built over the years in order to be the love that I am.
what this is really all about is just another, rather lenghty, way of saying thank you to all of you even the ones who do not like me, because all of you are my Teachers and for that I am forever grateful.
I wish you a very special 2015. May it be a year of great understandings of comings together and rejoicing, a year of true and deep healing, a year of Love (and devastation!)